Thoughts On A New Year

I was restocking product at my seasonal job with Patagonia this afternoon when the weight of 2014 came crashing down upon me. The emotions I felt were so overwhelming, I had to hold back tears of grief, of sorrow, of joy… All of these feelings I’d been holding inside of me for what seemed like an eternity, too stubborn and proud to let them out. I have survived, I told myself, and I will continue to survive. By God, I still hope that I’m right.

To tell the truth, this last year has been one of the hardest years of my life. In 2014 I let myself get stuck in a destructive relationship, experienced my hardest breakup yet, worked within a company that I felt did not appreciate my voice or my experience, and was laid off from my job just before the holidays. The world felt like it was falling from beneath my feet, and every time I tried to re-lay the foundation it would just crumble apart again. I tried not to let these hardships that I knew would serve as important learning experiences, break my spirits, but they inevitably did. I was not as strong as I thought I was, and as a result my head filled itself with self-doubt and uncertainty about myself and about the future. But with each hardship I have encountered I have gained invaluable life experience, and I feel like life has gradually pushed me toward the people, places, and activities that make life worth living.

Looking back now, I realize that moments of joy outnumbered those of sorrow twofold. This year I also started dating a man who knows how to make me feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin, I road tripped with my best friend to Moab, UT where I became a WFR (Wilderness First Responder) and met some of the most wonderful people on Earth, I’ve climbed more than I ever have in my life, and traveled more than I ever have as well, I started working for the company I admire most in this world (Patagonia!), I’ve made more friends and acquaintances than I know what to do with, and I have started to make some concrete decisions about my future.

I have learned that nobody really knows where they’re going or what they’re doing most of the time. I’ve learned that the future is often unclear or uncertain, and that sometimes uncertainty is good, and that it must be embraced whole-heartedly in order to thrive and survive. I’ve learned that I am capable of overcoming hardship, of staring it straight in the face (literally and figuratively) without flinching. I have learned that comparing yourself to others is a useless endeavor, for we are all shine in different ways. I have learned the meaning of hard work, and have experienced the gratification that comes along with doing something that once seemed impossible. I have learned that luck and skill sometimes go hand in hand. And perhaps most importantly I have come to learn that my life is my own, and that I have the ability to decide what I do with it, and that I do not have to follow society’s strange set rules of existence to feel successful and happy.

All of these things were learned the hard way, but I am trying to be grateful for these lessons every day. After all, I am still here. I have not been completely broken and I will continue to push forward and build a better and brighter future in 2015. Or at the least, I will work on laying down a more rugged foundation for what is to come. I would like to thank all of my friends and family, from the bottom of my heart, for all that you have helped me through this year. I have said it before, but you don’t know how much you mean to me, and how impactful you have been on my life. Onward and upward, as they say! Let’s make 2015 count.