This time last year I was going through what I now consider to be an awakening. At the time I felt like my entire world was falling apart. I was in a relationship that was slowly failing. I had become co-dependent on my partner and embraced his definition of my identity more than my own. I cried almost every day, multiple times a day, usually in my car in a random parking lot so nobody I knew would see me, and sometimes I wasn't even sure why. I felt alone, like I was on a vast island, despite the fact that I live in one of the largest cities in the world. I stopped hanging out with my friends and family. I stopped writing. And then, slowly over time, I stopped climbing. Not entirely, but my trips to the gym were so infrequent that people were surprised to see me when I walked in.
I wasn't motivated to do any of the things that I loved. This was a tragedy for me. It wasn't the first time I'd experienced some form of depression, but it certainly had a more paralyzing impact than any other bout with depression I'd gone through. I needed to find myself again, whatever that meant, and regain some sense of self and direction.
A major turning point was my breakup with my partner. Looking back, it was something that needed to happen. My lack of sense of self was dragging not just me, but everyone around me down, and to regain that sense of self I needed to separate myself from the ties of a relationship and learn to love and trust in myself again. Post-breakup I threw myself into my work and took on a larger role at my company as a pseudo-production coordinator/manager. It was hard work (and still is), but it provided me with a sense of purpose, challenged me, and helped me grow and find confidence in my own abilities again. By taking on tough work projects I was able to stop defining myself through the eyes of another person and take pride in my own accomplishments.
Through my work I began to meet new and interesting people, and to form bonds with vendors and folks from other departments I hadn't interacted with on a personal level before. I listened to their stories with great interest and used these encounters as a means of education. I wanted to understand what other people were going through in their daily lives, to figure out how I could make their worlds better, and to understand how my choices and actions affected them. I tried to adapt my work to help make their departments more efficient, and thus hopefully keep our crew happier and healthier. This is an ongoing process, but an important one to me. I also began interacting more with people who I saw as creatives or spiritualists and tried to adopt their credos. Self-expression, self-acceptance, honesty, and trust became staples of my intellectual and spiritual diet, and I opened myself to trying new things like woodworking, knitting, and aerial silks, and dedicated more time to practices like yoga that made me feel grounded and self-aware.
I started to spend more time with my family. I came to understand that families are one of the most important support networks in our lives and that investing in this network is one of the most fulfilling things you can do for yourself. There's nothing quite like watching your nieces and nephews grow and develop into intelligent human beings with different hobbies and interests. And now that I've started to spend more time with them I've tried to fuel their interests by teaching them new things or providing them with the tools to explore those interests.
And all the while I climbed minimally here and there. It was always in the back of my mind, but it needed to take a back seat to my self-exploration, and that was ok.
As I began to blossom into my new self I met my current boyfriend. We met at one of the busiest, most stressful times of our lives, but I felt drawn to him instantly. His free spirit and his encouraging nature made me feel at ease in my own skin, and I could be myself around him without judgement. In fact he has never asked me to be anything other than myself, and we never expect one another to apologize for our ever shifting, but very human, moods and attitudes. Our openness in communication and continuous support of one another has given my a new perspective on what it means to be in a healthy relationship, and what it means to be a supportive friend and confidant.
On top of all of these things I continued to travel to new places - and not just for climbing like I'd done in the past. I took pleasure in traveling for the sheer adventure of it instead of always pushing myself and my body to the next level, which helped me to de-stress and be more in touch with how I was truly doing emotionally. Traveling without the intention to climb or finish up a project also opened me up to new experiences. I drove across the whole of Oregon 2-3 times, working my way through breweries of every shape, size and beer specialty (I even stood in front of the Mirror Pond that Deschutes named their Mirror Pond Ale after, and developed a great love for Ninkasi's Vanilla Oatis and Sleigher beers). I went mushroom hunting and swung through trees in remote parts of Southern Oregon with new found friends. I had my first friendsgiving. I skinny dipped in natural hot springs, sometimes with many complete strangers around me. I finally took my first true international trip to Peru where I hiked through and gazed upon Machu Picchu. I communicated via hand signals with a woman who had never learned English before, and we became airplane buddies. I saw destitute and remote villages where people were happy despite the fact that they had little money. I willingly immersed myself in another culture and fell in love with how radiant and colorful it was. And yes - I still made time to get out and climb in new places.
I know I haven't been climbing or writing about climbing much, and for some of you that means we've been out of touch for a while. But that doesn't mean that I don't love it or love you, it just means I needed to take some time to start loving myself again. Now that I'm in a better place, I look forward to getting back out there and experiencing life both within and outside of pushing myself in climbing, and I hope to experience it with all of you.
And that's the truth about why I haven't been climbing (as much).
I wasn't motivated to do any of the things that I loved. This was a tragedy for me. It wasn't the first time I'd experienced some form of depression, but it certainly had a more paralyzing impact than any other bout with depression I'd gone through. I needed to find myself again, whatever that meant, and regain some sense of self and direction.
A major turning point was my breakup with my partner. Looking back, it was something that needed to happen. My lack of sense of self was dragging not just me, but everyone around me down, and to regain that sense of self I needed to separate myself from the ties of a relationship and learn to love and trust in myself again. Post-breakup I threw myself into my work and took on a larger role at my company as a pseudo-production coordinator/manager. It was hard work (and still is), but it provided me with a sense of purpose, challenged me, and helped me grow and find confidence in my own abilities again. By taking on tough work projects I was able to stop defining myself through the eyes of another person and take pride in my own accomplishments.
Through my work I began to meet new and interesting people, and to form bonds with vendors and folks from other departments I hadn't interacted with on a personal level before. I listened to their stories with great interest and used these encounters as a means of education. I wanted to understand what other people were going through in their daily lives, to figure out how I could make their worlds better, and to understand how my choices and actions affected them. I tried to adapt my work to help make their departments more efficient, and thus hopefully keep our crew happier and healthier. This is an ongoing process, but an important one to me. I also began interacting more with people who I saw as creatives or spiritualists and tried to adopt their credos. Self-expression, self-acceptance, honesty, and trust became staples of my intellectual and spiritual diet, and I opened myself to trying new things like woodworking, knitting, and aerial silks, and dedicated more time to practices like yoga that made me feel grounded and self-aware.
I started to spend more time with my family. I came to understand that families are one of the most important support networks in our lives and that investing in this network is one of the most fulfilling things you can do for yourself. There's nothing quite like watching your nieces and nephews grow and develop into intelligent human beings with different hobbies and interests. And now that I've started to spend more time with them I've tried to fuel their interests by teaching them new things or providing them with the tools to explore those interests.
And all the while I climbed minimally here and there. It was always in the back of my mind, but it needed to take a back seat to my self-exploration, and that was ok.
As I began to blossom into my new self I met my current boyfriend. We met at one of the busiest, most stressful times of our lives, but I felt drawn to him instantly. His free spirit and his encouraging nature made me feel at ease in my own skin, and I could be myself around him without judgement. In fact he has never asked me to be anything other than myself, and we never expect one another to apologize for our ever shifting, but very human, moods and attitudes. Our openness in communication and continuous support of one another has given my a new perspective on what it means to be in a healthy relationship, and what it means to be a supportive friend and confidant.
On top of all of these things I continued to travel to new places - and not just for climbing like I'd done in the past. I took pleasure in traveling for the sheer adventure of it instead of always pushing myself and my body to the next level, which helped me to de-stress and be more in touch with how I was truly doing emotionally. Traveling without the intention to climb or finish up a project also opened me up to new experiences. I drove across the whole of Oregon 2-3 times, working my way through breweries of every shape, size and beer specialty (I even stood in front of the Mirror Pond that Deschutes named their Mirror Pond Ale after, and developed a great love for Ninkasi's Vanilla Oatis and Sleigher beers). I went mushroom hunting and swung through trees in remote parts of Southern Oregon with new found friends. I had my first friendsgiving. I skinny dipped in natural hot springs, sometimes with many complete strangers around me. I finally took my first true international trip to Peru where I hiked through and gazed upon Machu Picchu. I communicated via hand signals with a woman who had never learned English before, and we became airplane buddies. I saw destitute and remote villages where people were happy despite the fact that they had little money. I willingly immersed myself in another culture and fell in love with how radiant and colorful it was. And yes - I still made time to get out and climb in new places.
I know I haven't been climbing or writing about climbing much, and for some of you that means we've been out of touch for a while. But that doesn't mean that I don't love it or love you, it just means I needed to take some time to start loving myself again. Now that I'm in a better place, I look forward to getting back out there and experiencing life both within and outside of pushing myself in climbing, and I hope to experience it with all of you.
And that's the truth about why I haven't been climbing (as much).
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